With you

There is a creek beyond the rocks, by the beach of southern sea
I will meet you there at sunset, while the sun hasn’t yet gone down
At that moment, when our bodies reflect the intense warmth,
We become palettes, boiling in shades of red and orange
In oneness, we rejoice, we moan, we revel;
From sunset to twilight, I will love you, every day of my life

There is a gentle stream, by the fields, of corn and paddy
I will meet you there at dawn,  while it is still drizzling and the rain gods haven’t yet roared
At that moment, when our bodies get wet in the gentle breeze
We become the monsoon sky, with passion that is waiting to erupt
In an embrace, we weep, droplets dripping from eyelids, fingers clasped;
From dawn to noon, I will love you, every day of my life

Where there is dry land, after the heavy rains, maybe at home, our home
I will stay by your side, while the trees gently weep the departure of rain
At that moment, I will lay on your lap, gaze into the beauty of life outside
And we will be alone, detached from the maddening world
In a simple touch, we smile, we love, we understand;
From noon until my dusk, I will love you, every day of my life

Dannie John
3-Aug-2012

Corner of Doubt

I can see a corner not so far away 
and my heart says, beyond that is a meadow, 
where sun shines all day, and clouds shine silver; 
where I shall rise above struggle, pain and quiver. 
Beyond that corner of doubt, my eyes shall twinkle; 
It is but that peck of doubt that forces me to detour, 
And so, forever have been that corner not so far away;

Dannie John 
27 Oct 2013

Disjointed Unions

By the window,
I wish I could have seen her once; just once before she went up in flames
Exploding herself, the ones she opposed, also the ones she defended
For herself this is, she claimed in the many letters she wrote to me
For her beliefs, principles; but what it turned out to be, I asked
The answer was silence, no more letters, and a period of void
Then finally blood and flesh scattering on to the same land she loved, I loved!
Sitting there at the window, looking out into passing frames, gaze fixed nowhere,
I was awaiting those letters from nowhere, in my own sweet world

By the door,
This one cannot hear, neither can see, nor talk; I heard them say about Ramu just before we met
He was sitting in a corner by the Ganges, on the steps that lead to eternal salvation; I was walking down hoping to cleanse myself
Of all the sins my profession earned me; pleasure they had said, I was seeking, but some bread for dinner was all I wanted
I was going to die, my doctor had told me, better die at the Ghats he advised; so here I was waiting for the end, but it finally seemed life had begun
when Ramu touched me for the first time the other day; He could not see me, nor hear me; it was through touch that he told me he loved me,
It was when he held me, caressed my forehead, hugged me, and cried out when I died, I finally lived;
The train chugged along nicely, as Ramu alighted carrying in his heart a lifetime of joy;
For he finally could see someone, hear someone and whisper to someone

There she sits,
As the train kept chugging along, I noticed her for the first time in twelve hours
I was bemused, but surprised why my eyes did not catch the sight before
Stunning she looked, but made up, wholly; why would someone be me, I thought
I was running away from me, thought being born this way was a curse, hoped I could have been a boy
A few stations later, she said to me, it feels good to be a woman, liberated to be finally what I am;
And I thought to myself, how strange is this world; that one’s God is another one’s Devil
We got down together before our destination came; walking out into the world, liberated from chains,
Chasing our Gods, and devils; dancing to the tune set by the wind, in our own sweet worlds

One who was sitting in my place,
I was searching for myself in all the stories I wrote, all these years, until this day
I am the one without roots, born somewhere, grew somewhere, fell in love somewhere, lived someplace else, and finally died somewhere
Nomadic spirit, with no strings, the one who lived under many skins as it suited
The one by the window left me wanting
The one by the door left me crying
But I escaped reality with the one like me, the one I fell in love with
And we set out,
Chasing our Gods, and devils; dancing to the tune set by the wind, into our own sweet worlds

Dannie John
15-Jan-2011

I am just a colour

Why have you branded me?
Tormented my existence
What if I did not want to represent what you made me out to do?
What if I could rebel?
Pink thinks he is stronger than you make him look
Red loves peace and did you know white is more violent than most of us?
Green does not plant trees, nor blue do any work
And for me, you made me out to be the villain
While I looked beautiful, sans any pigment,
I am like anything else, as clueless as anyone else
Why did you complicate?
When I am just a colour!

Dannie John
15-Jan-2011

An empty canvas, an empty page

White, clean and empty it was, was a long time ago
When I started, undecided of the first brush stroke, the first word
A palate full of colours, a mind full of words
Ready but not clear, wanting but not certain
Of the woman I wanted to paint, of her story I wanted to write
I sat staring into the darkest point on the all white canvas,
Moments passed, my head ached, ice melted, ash collected
The first stroke never arrived, my first word never appeared

It was a beautiful high-rise, a balcony with a view
My chair settled nicely into the corner, and there was a lake across the road
Sprits to give company, to raise me above mortals
The idea, you see, is to be alone, and loneliness springs up beauties
The walls were painted imaginatively, the slow music played inspiringly
The setting sun enhancing the mood, the palate on the sky offering colours
Moments passed, my head ached, ice melted, ash collected
But yet, the first stroke never arrived, my first word never appeared

Then I gave up on my vision, thought she left me for better men
Folded up the canvas, tore up the pages
Emptied my glass, and stormed out of my world
Across the road, by the lake, there is a small little market
Little it may be, but crowded it always was
I walked up to the tea stall, traded steam for spirit
Among the people, into the crowd, on to a nearby rock
I settled in, dejected at being cheated, abandoned and discarded

Dark, dirty and cluttered it was, a few moments ago
When I cried, in agony, pain and exhaustion of forcing creation
I still was alone for sure, but amidst a maddening crowd
Among people, faces passing by, some smiling, some grim, some cruel
My woman somewhere lurking around the corner, her beauty to be discovered
My canvas, my page found purpose, they set out looking, calmly searching
My brush, my pen waited patiently, for her to come, no inspiration, no imagination
She would come, and fall into my arms, I knew

Moments have passed, my head does ache,
But the bitter sweetness of this wait keeps me going!

Dannie John
15-Jan-2011

The Hero is always someone else

So he came, crying, kicking, in tears, covered in blood
Someone cutout what kept him from coming in
Someone pushed him into the scene, wonder if he would have come eventually
Someone wiped his tears, blood and warmed him up,
While she looked on, struggling to get his eyes opened, he cried, kept crying
When did he start walking, learned to be proud, and thought of independence?
For he came assisted, will go assisted;
Someone else’s benevolence, he was pushed to being born
Some else’s kindness, he might get a respectful farewell!

Dannie John
18-May-2011

A twist to come

A rush of blood into my head
Little finger moves up a bit
Eyelids flutters just for a while
Sweat drops drip through my chin

My body shivers, shudders in pain
I am spent, my head almost droops
But a flash of light enters my thought
It shakes me up, lifts up my head
I hear a gentle voice speaketh to me
Come ‘on pal, you can’t lie low,
A man can fall, can lag, can lose
But one can’t give up, or stop the fight
For one who gives up and stops the fight
Is not worthy of being called a man
For one who gives in and lets in defeat
Had lost the plot, even before first bell
Now come ‘on pal, gather up yourself
Go back in there and bring on the best
Go on fighting up till the grave, but go on and on
Blood may ooze through sweat drops
Bones may crunch under the pressure
Muscles may give up, so may your body
But as long as hope persists
There is still a twist to come

So here I am, limping my way up
My backbone squeals as it straightens up
But once on my legs, I hold my head high
Ready for another fight, to go on all the way
Never to give up, Never to lose hope
I may be dead, but buried, not quite yet
I will not give up till the coffin’s shut
Even then, I will fight back from my grave
And come back alive to win my moment
For if there is hope, there is a twist to come

Dannie John
28th Feb 2011

Where we all belong

There is this place beyond the window rails
Beyond our daily chores, away from piles of papers
Far from the flickering screen with zeros and ones
A place we call our own, a secret dwelling or a lonely planet

Chasing images that appear on pages, or in a lovely film
Or those that zoom past us, as we stand stranded at a busy crossroad
We build it around us, in tiny fragments, bit at a time
The texture of which resembles the scarlet of a late evening
Or the dampness of those hillside holidays
The cacophony of a messy main street
Or the silence that precedes the morning sun
Light rays or dew drops, screeching horns or quietness
For each of us, our own, this place our heaven on earth
Hidden at times from even our own consciousness

Strangely though, we move in and out
Drifting between realms like gods do
To be there, and here, now and next
But for some of us,
It is to be there, that we are here
Rarely wanting to come back, to live
Oh, but for us, to live is to be there
To breathe is to die to our surroundings
Our bodies remain alive, our mind alive in our own place
Hidden at times from even our own consciousness

There is this place beyond the lives of others, or ours
This is a place where we all belong
So distinct but yet so similar
All at once, and forever

Dannie John
19-Feb-2011

Chasing Fish

Kites flying high, chasing fish in sidewalk drains
Running around the house shouting stupid slogans
Driving around a single wheel Mercedes, along the parapet of my terrace
Picking mangoes of the neighbors groves, playing mama’s boy when the sun goes down
There was never enough to do, but never any more to achieve
Never once a day that started without smiles or one that ended without tears;
But when the night fell quiet, tucked into my bed, sleep overwhelmed me like there was no morrow
Looking back mate, I would trade all of tomorrow, and most of today for one yesterday
Can you, lord, sent me back to being a child?
Someone sang, freedom’s just another word for nothing left to loose,
I say, freedom’s just another word when there is nothing left to do
Guess, setting out with a planned tomorrow, and a reviewed today, has made me far from free
Can you, lord, with an open sail, set me back on trail, to gently float to a never-ever land, today?

Exploring though the paddy fields, I came across a place
With waterfalls, and tadpole swims, some rays reflecting off
All it was, was a gentle stream, with a bund at its edge
But for my little brain, was the paradise my dad spoke of in early morning prayers
For all my days as a little boy, I kept going back
To the paradise, to this never-ever land, my secret freedom place
But now, guess, some stones have crushed my little tadpole swims
For I see a new habitation to have overwhelmed my secret land
A kid skips and hops in their courtyard, hope he finds on my behalf a new freedom place
Looking ahead mate, I guess, yester will never come back; all I do is, wait for this act to pass
Can you, lord, sent me back to being just a child?
Someone sang, freedom’s just another word for nothing left to loose,
I say, freedom’s just another word when there is no more air to breath
Guess, looking ahead, looking forward to a life of emptiness is all we do
Chasing fish within a huge glass bowl, like fools we look to God
So lord, with an open sail, set me back on trail, to gently float to a never-ever land, today?

Sitting at my balcony, staring at these kids, playing, running to nowhere
I feel happy to see someone keeping up the legacy, of being just a child
So I grow old, and leave this trail, someone picks up dust
To leave a trail for someone new, and the world just goes around
So lord, here I am, stepping out to a busy day, with plans in my head, and a destination to reach
But, promise me to pull me out, and set me back on sail, to gently float to a never-ever land
With nowhere to go, and no days to count!

Dannie John
4-Dec-2010

Live

A refugee in my own land
An orphan among my own people
When will I see the bright blue sky?
When will this rain stop?
A trickle it starts, then oozes out,
Bullets, blood and bath from above
Living through this night
Waiting for the Sun, that never comes
I have learned to dream, to hope, to live!

Dannie John
28-Oct-2010

Song of agony, of pain and loss

Far, far away, there is a place called happiness
Far away from these beautiful hills
From the mountain springs
From the cuckoo songs
And the misty woods

Beneath my feet are gold and more
Visitors here chasing ore
Saviors many, spreading lore
Master, but why do you make me sore
cause all that glitters, don’t surely soar

All that has risen is pain and agony
Behind my home were woods of ebony
Today I look like them, all bony
My eye’s are full, my belly all empty
Wasted for all, and almost loony

I am all but a few years into my life
Been through lot, sadness rife
Through many a crime, so many time
Is there a God? Come save my life
Before these saviors snatch it off

In this tussle, I have lost my youth
Minister, do you have no kids?
My saviors make their kids to kill
Visitors need to bloat their kids
Why in my own home, I do not count

I stand at this foothills, and cry aloud
My land of honey, of laughter, of tears
This land where my father tilled,
Has all over his blood spilled;
And today my land has shunted us out

Sadly, I sing,
Far, far away, there is a place called happiness
Far away from these beautiful hills
From the mountain springs
From the cuckoo songs
And these misty woods

Dannie John
13-Aug-2010

Last Breath of Innocence

Nice dream
Kind Miracles
Carpets over the clouds
Castles in the sky
Feet kissing the grass
Arms swinging as I swing along
Nice Dream, Kind Miracles
Eyes shut, looking up to the skies
Hair let loose, flying, keeping up
If there were dreams, I would have dreamt
If there were miracles, I would have lived

Nice dream, Kind miracles
Oh, help me stay put in my life
Saviors snatching away my last toy
Handing over complex ones
My mama’s bosom changed to a reddened ravage
Certain directions convoluted to pipe dreams
My land, my history traded in spirited bourses
Could I just play? Be a normal brat
Or fight? Oh, fight I did,
My trigger flushing out a dozen fountains
Falling a thousand men, and me
Arms swinging as I fall alone
Eyes shut, looking up to the skies
Hair let loose, flying, keeping up
If there were dreams, I would have dreamt
If there were miracles, I would have lived

Dannie John
12-8-2010

Alone

My eyes are open and see the crowd around
Sure, I can hear the chit-chat, and the rumble
Many a face seem familiar, some strange
Hand-shakes all around, burst of laughter sudden
Familiar crowd, and amidst friends
I should be at home, and at peace

My eyes are closed, though open they seem
And I can hear nothing but the sound of silence
Faces don’t seem to matter, they are not complete anyway
Nothing around connected, nothing seemed to exist
Familiar crowd and amidst friends
I am alone, as always.

Dannie John
4-Mar-2010

To you!

To spend time with you
To be in your arms
To cuddle up
To play pillow fight
And to fall into your lap when tired
To kiss
To caress
To love
To fight
To hold you tight
To hold your hands
To look at the moon
To laugh,
Let us go and dwell in the villages,
In the vineyards, let us make love
Let the dewdrops of the dawn drip into our beings
As we lay lazy, naked under the vines
Let the first rays of sunshine, pierce the chill of our bodies
And bring in warmth to our entangled posture
My love, to you this ode
My heart aches, every moment far away from you
My soul quenches for your nearness
Let us go
Let us go away
To a place far away
Away from our daily chores
Breaking away the strings that chain us
To a place where it is only you and me
To the valley of hope
Of love
And honey
Let us see each other
Let us feel each other
And then, will I proclaim my love for you
Standing up on the rocks, will I shout out!
My love, there is nothing better in life
Than these moments spent with you
The trees will node in agreement
The sun will shine in acquiescence
All nature will bow, and make way for us
My love, to you this ode
Let us go
Let us go to place where no one knows us
Where we are but strangers in a strange land
The only node of recognition, is between our hearts
And then will my heart reach out to yours
And then will ours souls become one
And then will I take you in my arms
Oh my love, to you this ode
Let us go
Let us go
Let us go!

Dannie John, to his beloved, 2-Feb-2010

Ecstasy's Locks

Floyd's floating up in the air
Spirits have chained me to my chair
Chimney’s galore all around me
Heaven's passage seemed totally free

Neon lights and rays of gloom
Accompanied the music of bloom
Chords of glory and beats of irreverence
Reverberated in our empty resistance

Giving into thy strong willed hold
Johnny, to thee we are but sold
As smoke fogged our eyes and soul
Strings strained in melody’s call

Ash spilling over my fingers
Listening to great rock singers
A glass of malt on the rocks
And I finally break open ecstasy’s locks

Dannie John
31-Jan-10

Color of Red

I see it in his eyes
I see it when they fall
In the blood spilled over petty claims
In the slit of evil lies
Through the mortar shells, and the wicked pen
I see it within, I see it without
When an Innocent falls, and a war is won.

I see it in her lips
I see it in the red rose bud
In the air around, in shy crescendo
On her cheeks, the innocent kiss
Through the pretty gifts and the loving pen
I see it in my heart
When one falls in love and a life is won.

I see it at creation
And at destruction
I see it in rings exchanged
I see it when all have changed
I see it in the new born smile
I see it at the last flame
When all is gained, but the love is lost.

Oh, color of red,
Such an uninvited guest
Loved by all, despised the same
What an apt beginning, what an apt end
I see it around me at dawn
And when the sun sets;
When one day dies, and another takes birth.

Dannie John
16-Jan-10

Step Out

Step out and look at the blue sky above, feel the cool wind brushing against your cheek, look at the leaves withering from the trees around, the stars trying to hide under the clouds, the darkness of the night, the light at dawn, feel it, see it. See the world as it was meant to be. Go for a swim in a near by river, or climb to the top of misty hill. See the dew drops. See through them the beauty of life beyond. The wet bamboo or the birds chirping around. Look at the kids in the near by field. Chasing a paper-ball or flying a stitched up kite. See life in their eyes, living through the sweat. Pick up an old rattled cycle, the good old’ buddy and go across the country side. Take your hands off the handle as you speed down an incline. Breath in. The cool air. Chase the rain. Get wet. Splash mud around. Go fishing. Catch tadpoles instead. Feel the love of life around. Of that can talk or otherwise. The connection you find in your dog’s eyes. The touch of the little finger. The warmth in your loved one’s arms.

Ash spilled over my fingers and my skin burned. As I close my eyes and just enjoy the darkness instead.

Step out.

Dannie John
12-Jan-2010

Remembrance of a dream

While I lay wide awake, trying to remember my dream,
the sun came up from the horizon, overwhelming the comfortable darkness of my room
The warm rays of sunshine stroked against the coldness in my feet
and her arms stretched around my bosom;

When did I fall asleep? When did I detach?
When did I move in? When did I enter?
What was the journey? Where did I end up?
All I remember is a sinking feeling of having lost that dream

While there, I had promised myself to never come back
To live on, in the world beneath my eyelids
To sing, to dance, to love, and to be loved
Never once to return, Never once to forget

He was a tall man, and I was riding a horse
I remember her smell, of rose and many others
Alas, I cannot remember her face, but the touch is so new
The dance so mesmerizing, and her smile so enchanting

Bits and pieces of my dream lay up on the ceiling like a jigsaw puzzle
Each one of them disappearing by the second
The feeling of loss sinking me further, I try to hold on to the last one
But in vain!

As the hands on the clock get closer to drawing a straight vertical
I close my eyes once again, trying to rush into the tunnel
The door closing far ahead, encircling itself into smaller loops
Stretching my hands and my failing legs, I try to pull myself back to the world again

But someone has let off a siren, one that of alarm, the ringing growing louder
May be I should not have come out, may be they found out
The warm rays of sunshine stroked against the coldness in my feet
and her arms stretched around my bosom;

A slow movement in the bed, and the siren went out
Awake I lay, thrown out of the palace of my own creation
My foolishness to step out, in to the world to take a break
All I remember is a sinking feeling of having lost that dream

Each day I wake up, though I like it not
Each day I step out, to step into this world of rot
Waiting to pass through the seconds of pain, to go back in night to my world of joy
Hoping someday I will never wake, and live on in the world beneath my eyelids



Dannie John
19-Dec-09

Beginning

As he stood there and watched, there was a miracle taking place. He saw red, blood red really, as if he were looking at the horizon. I would more call it the rising sun. Or is it not? A new day was being born, for someone at least.

White coats rushed all around him, smell of spirit filled his nostrils. There was blood dripping into a bowl. He probably had never seen so much human blood at once. And at once, he felt nausea. But the hope of what lay ahead, kept him there. Or may be it was her grip.

She held on to him tightly, as if there was no tomorrow. She lay there, with eyes wide open, with her grip strongly around his wrists, with inexplicable pain seizing every single muscle in her body, waiting for the moment. The moment of truth. And then she thought for a second, just a flash of a thought passed her mind before pain again defeated her. Sometimes we endure pain no one can ever measure, with just the reassurance of a better tomorrow looking over us with soothing kindness. Why am I going through this?

And then he saw a strand of hair. Anxiety was slowly seeping in. With every passing second, there was a fulcrum of emotions playing around in his mind. The sight of every additional inch brought in excitement. As the grip tightened, that changed to nervousness, anxiety and sometimes sheer pain where her nails dipped.

He thought to himself, is it all? Have I achieved all? Manhood is complete.

When the head was out, his first instinct was to look for resemblance. But then she was crying aloud. Did he hear some expletives? Oh, that was a response, he realized. He had accidentally said "Push baby".

It was nine months since I slept properly, like always I loved, curled up within my blanket, knees touching my breasts. It been a long time, I ran up the stairs, got drenched in rain, danced in the shower. It has been a long time I breathed easily. It has been a long time. And then she cried out loud, a cry of pain and of giving in. A cry of victory, of having done with. A cry of happiness. A cry of emptiness, of the weight draining out. She thought, all certain done, it was nice carrying you my child.

And through the gap between her legs, she saw the first glimpses of her new born.

For them it was a new dawn. For a second the two parallel lines of thought met, they thought to themselves, my child is beautiful. It was not over, they thought, it is just beginning.

DJ
7th Aug 09

Note: I have never witnessed a birth. I have just tried to think like the protagonists.

its been a while. And I am damn pissed. Wasted 700 days of my life. Sorry.

Need to thank Jeff. Never met him, but accidentally pushed me to read my blogposts again after so long. And I need to confess, I am ashamed, sad and angry at myself for not being able to commit time to write.

So it seems I am getting back to being me. The first step is here, over the past week - dusted out myself from excuses and reasons for not thinking / creating. Today pushed myself to sign-in (after 2 years). And suddenly I realise, I have so much to say and I am wasting my life by not doing it. My mind has been swollen with ideas, nights have been again about dreaming movies, and every now and then there are two lines of unadulterated poetry spilling out. And I am enjoying it.

Thanks Jeff.
DJ